Written by Alasdair Brooks
Down in London, they have a saying - "It's grim up north". Anyone who's had reason to visit York in the past few decades knows what they mean. Devastated in the Food Riots some 50 years ago, and cut off from the industrial zones of the north, York has fallen a long way since its halcyon days of tourist-driven prosperity. Now the old city walls are steel-armoured, a third of the city has been turned over to MI5's Northern Pacification Unit Gaol, and searchlights beam out from the defiant Twin Towers of the ruined Minster.
Everyone knows what happened to the north of England and the Scottish Borders during the food riots. Everyone British, anyway - it's compulsory teaching in Primary school, after all. Although the government proved equal to the task of keeping control - just - in most of England, Wales, and Scotland, it was unable to cope with the devastation in the huge (by British standards), rugged, rural expanse of the north and Borders. The farmers and small town residents descended en masse to the cities. The larger urbans areas, such as Leeds, were able to cope, but York, Harrogate, and smaller areas were swamped. York in particular became a massive refugee camp for the fleeing inhabitants of the Moors and Dales. In an effort to hold on to what it could, the government infamously pulled back to the Hull-Blackpool line, Ôfortress Tyne-Tees' (although never really fortified in the USA sense, the Northeast Conurbation was too large, too valuable to lose), and the Scottish central Belt. Everyone left behind by the third of March, 2018 would be forced to fend for themselves. It was quite possibly the only serious mistake the British government made during the blight years - but it was a colossal one. Over the next two weeks the starving refugees went on the rampage. Harrogate, Carlisle, Scarborough and other small cities and towns were virtually destroyed (although Scarborough's rebuilt castle remains an important coastal fortress). York was only saved through the heroic action of reinforcements rushed from Leeds, but the smouldering remains of the city centre took decades to rebuild. Centuries of history were almost wiped out in a fortnight of rioting. Not even the Minster was spared. It was never rebuilt, either. Only the twin towers of the West front and the East nave (where services of the disestablished church are still held) survive, left as a monument to the folly of the worst two weeks in modern British history.
But that's history. A half-century later, this is where the North of England and South of Scotland (NoSo in slang) stand: The gleaming columns of the Western and Eastern Elevated Motorways connect Glasgow and Edinburgh to the Hull - Blackpool line and Tyne-Tees City. Underneath that motorway, in the bleak, rugged landscape of NoSo lies the only part of Britain where London's writ is virtually worthless. A few garrison towns lie spaced along the Motorways. Otherwise, the Lakes, the Moors, the Dales, the Borders, the Pennines and the Cheviots are the sole reserve of a wild variety of gangs both madcap and dangerous, oddball hermits, and evil scum on the run. Only one other centre remains in government hands: York. Now one of the three centres of MI5's Northern Pacification Unit (NorPac), set up a decade ago to finally bring some order to the chaotic north (and perhaps beginning to have some impact), and the headquarters of NorPac's gaol, the grim facade of Britain's only real fortress city can't fail to make an impression on those willing to visit.
York
Population: 30,000 [1999 pop= c.100,000+]
Remember, in York, a bar is a gate, and a gate is a street.
Visitors to York are also reminded that there is a nightfall curfew in force around York within a 100 metre Quarantine Zone outside the City Walls. The entire Zone (with the exception of the King's Manor - see below) is paved. The Lendal bridge across the river Ouse has been moved to just outside the city walls in order to avoid the NorPac gaol. NorPac will assume that anyone found in the Zone during Curfew is their enemy. They will shoot first and ask questions later. Their guns are bigger than yours. Much bigger. You have been warned.
On-street security within the city walls is excellent, amongst the best in the United Kingdom. Anyone foolish enough to open fire inside the city walls will rapidly draw the attention of NorPac. This is not a good thing.
The A64 is the only legal (and only maintained) access route to York. A permit for a return trip on the A64 (which can be purchased at the toll booths) costs £10 per vehicle axle (£10 for bikes, £15 for trikes). Single direction permits cost the same, so visitors might as well purchase a return. Motorists may apply in person to NorPac's Leeds office to join the daily Prison Convoy from Leeds to York - probably the safest way to travel. All other motorists use the A64 at their own risk, although since the advent of NorPac, it's probably the safest road in NoSo (excluding the Elevated Motorways). Anyone who tries to get to York by another road deserves whatever they get. The river Ouse is mined, so don't even think about taking a boat. Access to the massive underground carpark is at the end of the A64 by Micklegate Bar (access points are found throughout the city). It's possibly the safest underground carpark in Britain. If you don't use it, you'll regret it. Private cars are banned from the city centre - the streets are two narrow to accommodate modern vehicles.
There is only one hotel in York, the Clifford's Tower Hotel. About ten licensed Bed and Breakfasts can be found in the rebuilt part of the City, mostly along Petergate and Goodramgate. There is also a fortified campsite to the south, in the old Rowntree park, next to the river. Except for the latter, visitors are strongly urged not to stay outside the city walls.
The ruin of York Minster was the single greatest tragedy of the NoSo riots. The fire raged for a week, the central tower and transepts collapsed; the foundations and treasury were destroyed; half of the medieval stained glass in England went up in smoke. After order was restored, a decision was made not to rebuild the Minster, but to instead stabilise and leave the ruins as a monument to human folly. The east nave is now used for Church services. The twin towers of the West Front - now York's most famous symbol - were commandeered a decade ago by NorPac. Massive searchlights are mounted on the towers. The two statues to the southeast represent Constantine the Great (who was declared Emperor almost on this very spot), and Archbishop David Hope, who died while personally directing the defence of the Minster during the riots.
Now coated with an internal layer of plastic armour, and an outer sheath of laser-reflective steel, the City Walls are bound to leave a huge impression on the first-time visitor. Only three of the four bars are open to civilians - Bootham Bar, Monkbar, and Walmgate Bar. Micklegate Bar is the entrance to the NorPac Gaol. You had better hope you have no reason to enter the city by this route. Note that the Walls have been extended to cover the original gaps around the Castle Museum and river Fosse. The walls now completely surround the City Centre.
This tower, sitting on top of a tall mound, is the only remnant of York castle. Visitors may well be surprised to discover that this was the case _before_ the riots. During the riots, it was successfully defended by a visiting group of Norwegian secondary school children. The Norwegians managed to avoid the fate of the medieval Jews of York - who all died defending the tower in the 12th century. The tower is now painted in the Norwegian national colours in recognition of the Scandinavians' role in saving the city. Today, Clifford's Tower is the only high vantage point in the city not controlled by NorPac, and thus well worth a visit for the views. The only hotel in York is just to the north of the tower.
Fifty years ago, this was a museum of Ôeveryday life', a collection of artefacts that celebrated the vanishing rural world of Yorkshire. Despite looting, that part of the museum still exists. But in the late 2040's, the world's moved on a bit. Today, the Castle Museum is additionally the premier museum of everyday life in modern NoSo. In truth, it's the only museum in NoSo - but it's still worth a visit, if only for the display of modern combat weaponry.
Because Jorvik is built underground, it survived the riots virtually unscathed. The aging replica of early Medieval Viking York lacked enough oomph for modern sensibilities, however. Hence the addition of "Erik Bloodaxe's Combat Pit". Volunteers from around the country are invited to test their hand-to-hand combat skills against the House Vikings using only authentic Viking weapons. The House Vikings are experts in non-lethal (though bloody and painful) combat, but are authorised to defend themselves to the death against over-enthusiastic volunteers. The Pit has gone some way to restoring the popularity of what was once one of the top tourist attractions in the United Kingdom.
Virtually the only building left standing in the Quarantine Zone is the medieval mansion known as the King's Manor, located just outside Bootham Bar, near the Minster Ruins. Lovingly restored by top architects and archaeologists, the King's Manor is now NorPac's local high-security HQ. The building is rumoured to extend six floors underground. A small but interesting museum on NorPac's work is open to the public and located near the front entrance. It closes 20 minutes before curfew.
The entire section of the city located to the southwest of the river Ouse has been rebuilt and roofed as NorPac's Gaol. Criminals and hooligans of all stripes from all parts of NoSo are kept here. It is almost entirely off-limits to civilians. The only access points are the old Micklegate Bar and the heavily fortified Ouse Bridge. The entire southwest river bank presents a windowless metal front to the rest of the city. Limited access tours and family visits can be arranged by application to the NorPac HQ at the King's Manor. Public executions are televised on huge screens hung on the gaol's riverfront, and are an increasingly popular entertainment. Reformed NorPac prisoners form an important segment of the Viking Centre's House Vikings, the Jorvik Festival events, and the local Autoduelling scene.
If the loss of the Minster was the greatest tragedy of the riots, the survival of Castle Howard must surely rank as one of the greatest miracles of Yorkshire's turbulent recent past. The Prime Minister personally ordered that Vanbrugh's architectural masterpiece, located far enough from York to miss the urban violence, be protected at any cost. It was, and has emerged virtually unscathed, despite regular attacks from disaffected locals. Today, Castle Howard and grounds are protected by the world's largest free-standing bubble of transparent plastic armour. Unfortunately, it is only safely accessible by NorPac armoured helicopter, and is only open to the public on the first Saturday of every month (except when January 1st). Visits (restricted to 15 visitors at a time) are booked months in advance, and are extremely expensive. Please plan accordingly to avoid disappointment.
York's only autoduelling arena and racecourse, Knavesmire, is located to the southeast of the city centre, just off the A64. The two main local duelling and racing clubs are Archdiocese and The Sons of Odin. Both groups are slightly off the wall. Archdiocese tend to mount gargoyles on their cars while The Sons of Odin often have huge horns rising from their car roofs. NorPac patrol Knavesmire quite heavily during duelling and race events, but turn an official blind eye to NoSo residents turning up to participate - which they do in fairly large numbers. Out of town duellers are always made to feel extremely welcome, and NorPac has kindly provided its own medical and cloning facilities for the use of participants. Between the Sons of Odin, Archdiocese, and the NoSo'ers, Knavesmire events can get famously rowdy and wildly entertaining. This is not a venue for the faint of heart. The crowd often manage to smuggle in the odd hand-held rocket launcher or two. Or thirty. The racecourse surrounds the central duelling arena, which is fairly plain except for its 25 meter diameter (same depth) central pit surrounded by a circular jump ramp (which obscures line of fire). The most popular events forbid an autodueller to open fire until he or she has made a least one pit jump. Since the advent of NorPac, Knavesmire has become an increasingly popular venue for autoduelling, and within the past five years has begun to hold the occasional national event.
There are no other officially organised sports in York. There are no adequate facilities.
This festival is held every February in celebration of York's historic role as the capital of a 10th century viking kingdom. It's changed a little from its 20th century equivalent, however. Highlights of the festival include:
- 1) The Jorvik Viking Festival Sons of Odin Division 20 Knavesmire Invitational. Fairly self-explanatory, except invitees must place large (but lightweight) viking horns on their cars - specially fitted by the Sons' own engineers. This does not add to the cost of the car. Turret weapons are unaffected - they'll simply shred the horns to pieces. It's all part of the fun!
- 2) The Battle of Stamford Bridge. King Harold II's victory over Harald Hardrada in 1066 is re-created by two armies. With lethal weapons. Harold II's army consists largely of volunteers. Hardrada's army largely consists of convicted criminals. Given that Harald Hardrada's army was virtually wiped out by Harold II in the original, and that the re-creation is deemed Ôhighly authentic', the reason for the division of forces rapidly becomes clear.
- 3) Jorvik Longboat race. The section of the Ouse inside the city walls is cleared of mines, and replica wooden viking longboats race against each other in an elimination playoff format. These days, however, the boats are allowed to shoot at each other with period weapons. Including flaming arrows.
Ghost tours of York were highly popular with later twentieth-century visitors to York. These days, the ghost tours prefer to tour the burnt-out ruins of what remains of York outside the city walls. Note that parts of York outside the city walls are inhabited by extra-legal squatters. Thus all ghost tours are armed, but visitors are still advised to use appropriate caution.
Despite NorPac's undoubted small successes over the last decade, there are still a lot of vermin out there in the Moors and Dales. Bounty hunting has become and increasingly popular tourist activity, and several tour groups have sprung up to help the adventurous visitor to York. A reputable firm should be able to provide a fully-armed off-road combat vehicle, but enough survives of the old road network to make bounty hunting with personal vehicles a viable entertainment for the well-equipped.
